Oh, I nearly forgot to blog today. It's been crazy lately, after Lana (my lamb) dying last night everything seems to be happening at once. This weekend I'm going down to see my Grandmother who is very sick. Dad says she hardly opens her eyes anymore and isn't alert to whats going on around her. It's so sad. Sometimes I think medicine has gotten to the point where people are living too long, beyond what the human body is capable of. I've also had lots of little things to do for TAFE, like analysing our questionnaires and also doing policy research. I wasn't able to research, so simply did some reading and printed out stuff I thought was important to talk to my group about. We still have ours Needs Assessment to do by Friday and haven't started the document. And as I know, group work takes a while to put things together.
On the weight loss front things are pretty stagnant. I weighed in at 105.4kgs at last weigh in and got to 105kgs earlier in the week before TOM hit. Now I'm ranging between 106-106.5kgs. I'm not sure if its the last remnants of my TOM bloating that will clear up soon or if in fact my eating hasn't been as strict as I've needed. That wouldn't surprise me, had a huge meal on Saturday for Mum's birthday, big sugary slice and smoothie for lunch yesterday and had Subway today and have been snacking during the week. I certainly haven't been doing too badly, most days I've kept in my range its just a matter of the quality of foods. I need to go to the gym more, even if I have an early start the next day. As long as its not too late, I could do it in the 7.30pm-9pm range.
Work was simply exhausting. Maybe its because the place was dead, but I really hated it today. And when I got home my feet felt like collapsing. Dad came over to change my break pads and I had to hold things for him for the brake fluid to go into etc, crouching down and it really hurt. I wish I would lose this weight so my poor knees and ankles weren't under so much pressure.
Anyway I got to get to sleep. Not long before I have to wake up for my early class and I'm sure I'll be in a horrible mood for lack of sleep. I'm already making excuses about skipping it. :)
Tuesday 28 February 2012
Sunday 26 February 2012
The lamb
I've never had an experience where I've had to watch an animal die a slow death. We've had a lot of animals, and nearly as many deaths but all but 2 we found.. just gone. One was Basil, my cat, who we put down because he was very ill and in pain. The second was our first dog Keema who I didn't see as sick because my parents were there when he had to be taken to the vet. About 2 or 3 weeks ago our sheep Blair died. She went "missing" - we couldn't find her because she'd escaped and later found her just on the other side of the fence - she had died. It was very upsetting and I did cry. The first time I've cried because of losing a sheep. It was so sad because she had a 3-4 month old lamb. Her name is Lana.
Lana has been looking worse for wear as the time has gone on. She got all sores on her ears, mouth and face and patches of her body where the fur was all gone and you could see what looked like big "scabs". Under her neck the fur had all disappeared and that was exactly like what happened to Blair. This morning she had her head stuck in a fence and was just sitting there. So as I approached I thought she would bolt or at least struggle but she was extremely subdued. Once I got her head out the fence she didn't get up and move away. So I nudged her a bit but she still just laid there. Then I realised how close to the end we were. So I picked her up and put her on her feet. She wobbled away which looked horrible enough, like someone who has lost their footing or is going down a hill and has lost control of their speed. And then she was going literally sideways. If you've seen much of a sheep you would know that is NOT how they move. It was heartbreaking to see it. Where she fell she stayed. It was in the sun so I picked her up and put her in the shade.
Her head leaned back on the fence at an odd angle. I tried to get her to move in a more comfy position, but her head just lolled there. At this time I definitely knew it was a matter of time. Mum and I had organised to go grocery shopping today so after trying to get water into her we went and didn't expect her to live by the time we got back.
When we got back she was still laying down but instead of her head back it was up and looking around. That put a smile to my face. She had moved from where we put her. So I went over to the bowl I had put her water in and it was all gone! I went over to her and she was eating grass. I thought maybe she was getting better! It was kind of silly after everything I had seen, and obviously she was diseased and dying of the same disease her mother died of but I was happy for a while. But I went back out a few hours later and she was laying down on her side head on the ground.
I thought she was dead but when I got closer saw she was still breathing, very very weakly. I sat with her a while and patted her. She seemed to like to have someone with her. I had to get dinner ready so I went inside. It was dark soon after so I haven't been out since.
It's been really had during the day to see an animal dying slowly. I usually find animals that have died the next day who perished quickly or peacefully in their sleep. She is going slowly but not really painfully - she hasn't bleated once. Like when an animal has accepted its the end and just waiting for it but it is really sad. I'm crying again and can hardly see the keyboard. It's hard to think about what's out there right now. Has she died or is she still laying there, waiting for the end? Does she wish we would just end it for her? Am I heartless for not being with her as she suffers?
Lana has been looking worse for wear as the time has gone on. She got all sores on her ears, mouth and face and patches of her body where the fur was all gone and you could see what looked like big "scabs". Under her neck the fur had all disappeared and that was exactly like what happened to Blair. This morning she had her head stuck in a fence and was just sitting there. So as I approached I thought she would bolt or at least struggle but she was extremely subdued. Once I got her head out the fence she didn't get up and move away. So I nudged her a bit but she still just laid there. Then I realised how close to the end we were. So I picked her up and put her on her feet. She wobbled away which looked horrible enough, like someone who has lost their footing or is going down a hill and has lost control of their speed. And then she was going literally sideways. If you've seen much of a sheep you would know that is NOT how they move. It was heartbreaking to see it. Where she fell she stayed. It was in the sun so I picked her up and put her in the shade.
Her head leaned back on the fence at an odd angle. I tried to get her to move in a more comfy position, but her head just lolled there. At this time I definitely knew it was a matter of time. Mum and I had organised to go grocery shopping today so after trying to get water into her we went and didn't expect her to live by the time we got back.
When we got back she was still laying down but instead of her head back it was up and looking around. That put a smile to my face. She had moved from where we put her. So I went over to the bowl I had put her water in and it was all gone! I went over to her and she was eating grass. I thought maybe she was getting better! It was kind of silly after everything I had seen, and obviously she was diseased and dying of the same disease her mother died of but I was happy for a while. But I went back out a few hours later and she was laying down on her side head on the ground.
I thought she was dead but when I got closer saw she was still breathing, very very weakly. I sat with her a while and patted her. She seemed to like to have someone with her. I had to get dinner ready so I went inside. It was dark soon after so I haven't been out since.
It's been really had during the day to see an animal dying slowly. I usually find animals that have died the next day who perished quickly or peacefully in their sleep. She is going slowly but not really painfully - she hasn't bleated once. Like when an animal has accepted its the end and just waiting for it but it is really sad. I'm crying again and can hardly see the keyboard. It's hard to think about what's out there right now. Has she died or is she still laying there, waiting for the end? Does she wish we would just end it for her? Am I heartless for not being with her as she suffers?
Lana
4 November 2011 - 26 February 2012
R.I.P
Yay for motivation
So I totally kicked ass today!
Not really. Actually I'm not sure if I did more harm than good. For Mum's birthday today we went to dinner and ate way too much. We started off with garlic bread - that yummy fancy restaurant kind - total mistake. Not that it didn't taste good or the calories were off the charts (maybe a little) but we couldn't really fit the main meal in which was a shame!
So I had battered squid rings and steamed vegetables. Well, at least I chose veggies instead of chips as the side. The veggies tasted pretty nice and I loved the sauce. But I'm sure the sauce was very fattening. And the squid rings had batter on them, so that's a big no-no. Then I had a pineapple juice vodka and a fruit tingle which tasted awful. Too much lemonade. Mum hates things going to waste so she drank it in one go and her face was priceless! :)
So the reason I kicked butt was that today as my gym day and it has been the only day since I joined where I was dragging ass about going. I really really did not want to go. I was tired and just wanted to sleep. I even Googled "working out while sleepy" to give me a way out - (because the Interwebs said so!) and only got bodybuilder forums lol. Anyway was pretty proud that I got off my ass and did it. I posted on SparkPeople earlier that I was going to stay there for as long as it took to get 700 calories and that was a good move because I wanted to quit at 350. But I kept at it, just because I committed to it online. Not that anyone would know, but it just shows this online communication thing works as good motivation. I was a bit sluggish as I've mentioned the last few days but the important thing is that I stuck with it and did it.
I had an out-loud argument with myself on the way home. After workouts I am so famished I have to have something and usually I have 2-3 eggs. I was reasoning with myself that I was so bad nutrition wise today I don't need that 170 calories. But its good, it has some nice protein and I was way under for the day. Eggs are my post-workout food! They are actually cooking right now and I have to get them off the stove so... see ya!
Not really. Actually I'm not sure if I did more harm than good. For Mum's birthday today we went to dinner and ate way too much. We started off with garlic bread - that yummy fancy restaurant kind - total mistake. Not that it didn't taste good or the calories were off the charts (maybe a little) but we couldn't really fit the main meal in which was a shame!
So I had battered squid rings and steamed vegetables. Well, at least I chose veggies instead of chips as the side. The veggies tasted pretty nice and I loved the sauce. But I'm sure the sauce was very fattening. And the squid rings had batter on them, so that's a big no-no. Then I had a pineapple juice vodka and a fruit tingle which tasted awful. Too much lemonade. Mum hates things going to waste so she drank it in one go and her face was priceless! :)
So the reason I kicked butt was that today as my gym day and it has been the only day since I joined where I was dragging ass about going. I really really did not want to go. I was tired and just wanted to sleep. I even Googled "working out while sleepy" to give me a way out - (because the Interwebs said so!) and only got bodybuilder forums lol. Anyway was pretty proud that I got off my ass and did it. I posted on SparkPeople earlier that I was going to stay there for as long as it took to get 700 calories and that was a good move because I wanted to quit at 350. But I kept at it, just because I committed to it online. Not that anyone would know, but it just shows this online communication thing works as good motivation. I was a bit sluggish as I've mentioned the last few days but the important thing is that I stuck with it and did it.
I had an out-loud argument with myself on the way home. After workouts I am so famished I have to have something and usually I have 2-3 eggs. I was reasoning with myself that I was so bad nutrition wise today I don't need that 170 calories. But its good, it has some nice protein and I was way under for the day. Eggs are my post-workout food! They are actually cooking right now and I have to get them off the stove so... see ya!
Saturday 25 February 2012
It's that time..
So my question today was what do I omit. It's a public blog, but sure, I'm more treating it like a journal, all warts and all. And I think I want to keep it that way. I want to be honest about what my thoughts are everyday, and unfortunately the "embarrassing" stuff is included. Not really embarrassing, but a socially shunned topic. Women just don't public talk about that time. You know what I'm talking about, right?
So I wake up and hit the scale. 105 kgs! Woo. So this is my lightest in about a year. I ballooned out to 112 start of November after being 104.2 in April last year. So close to being back there. It is a bit frustrating to think that I'm back where I started and I lost a year of work because of my laziness but I am determined to keep going and never quit. I have the right balance this time, the tools, the motivation.
And then TOM hit (without "supplies"! Ugh!) in the middle of the day. Fortunately I had some painkillers in the car so I wasn't in TOO much distress but my first day is always hell. I have the WORST time of it. Usually I go to sleep, wake up in a little bit off pain, take a tablet and go to sleep and by morning its not too bad and then I keep shooting down the tablets for about 24 hours then I'm fine. But it came from nowhere and hit me hard. I was in such pain, in such a bad mood, and couldn't stand studying or doing group work. My group actually noticed from the morning to the afternoon that my tolerance went from great to zip (they thought it was just usual sickness like a cold, though).
Even by night-time I was feeling so bad. After playing LOTRO with my friends which we do every Friday I knew it was my designated "gym time" but I just did not want to go. The only thing that convinced me was that they say exercise endorphins are a painkiller. And I knew I would feel better afterwards. So I went to the gym with my trusty iPhone, with 3 episodes to watch (Survivor, Grey's Anatomy and Person of Interest) and stuck into it for 2.5 hours. Only done that once before and I burned WAY more calories last time. Like I've said this week, I feel pretty lethargic at the gym. I mean it's better than not going at all. 950 calories burned is great for my health and a great achievement, but I need to figure out which buttons to press so I can achieve my best. I used to push ~9 calories a minute when I first went to the gym and now its about ~6. So that's 3 calories, so what, you say? Well, 180 an hour and 450 calories over my whole workout which is pretty massive. I need to push harder.
And while I did feel better during and straight after my workout, soon after I've gotten home its all gone. I don't feel worse than earlier today but still feel pretty lousy. Usually my first TOM day is hell and then when I wake up the next day I'm fine. I really hope that's the case. And I know not to get too emotionally charged by what the scale will say tomorrow as I will be bloated and also retain fluids but I know I will. After a massive morning in which I realised I have lost 5 kgs in 6 weeks I was really happy. I imagine its going to be 1.5kgs up from there and that's disheartening. Though sometimes when I come off TOM I drop something massive like 2 kgs (plus all my TOM weight). Lets hope for that.
So I wake up and hit the scale. 105 kgs! Woo. So this is my lightest in about a year. I ballooned out to 112 start of November after being 104.2 in April last year. So close to being back there. It is a bit frustrating to think that I'm back where I started and I lost a year of work because of my laziness but I am determined to keep going and never quit. I have the right balance this time, the tools, the motivation.
And then TOM hit (without "supplies"! Ugh!) in the middle of the day. Fortunately I had some painkillers in the car so I wasn't in TOO much distress but my first day is always hell. I have the WORST time of it. Usually I go to sleep, wake up in a little bit off pain, take a tablet and go to sleep and by morning its not too bad and then I keep shooting down the tablets for about 24 hours then I'm fine. But it came from nowhere and hit me hard. I was in such pain, in such a bad mood, and couldn't stand studying or doing group work. My group actually noticed from the morning to the afternoon that my tolerance went from great to zip (they thought it was just usual sickness like a cold, though).
Even by night-time I was feeling so bad. After playing LOTRO with my friends which we do every Friday I knew it was my designated "gym time" but I just did not want to go. The only thing that convinced me was that they say exercise endorphins are a painkiller. And I knew I would feel better afterwards. So I went to the gym with my trusty iPhone, with 3 episodes to watch (Survivor, Grey's Anatomy and Person of Interest) and stuck into it for 2.5 hours. Only done that once before and I burned WAY more calories last time. Like I've said this week, I feel pretty lethargic at the gym. I mean it's better than not going at all. 950 calories burned is great for my health and a great achievement, but I need to figure out which buttons to press so I can achieve my best. I used to push ~9 calories a minute when I first went to the gym and now its about ~6. So that's 3 calories, so what, you say? Well, 180 an hour and 450 calories over my whole workout which is pretty massive. I need to push harder.
And while I did feel better during and straight after my workout, soon after I've gotten home its all gone. I don't feel worse than earlier today but still feel pretty lousy. Usually my first TOM day is hell and then when I wake up the next day I'm fine. I really hope that's the case. And I know not to get too emotionally charged by what the scale will say tomorrow as I will be bloated and also retain fluids but I know I will. After a massive morning in which I realised I have lost 5 kgs in 6 weeks I was really happy. I imagine its going to be 1.5kgs up from there and that's disheartening. Though sometimes when I come off TOM I drop something massive like 2 kgs (plus all my TOM weight). Lets hope for that.
Thursday 23 February 2012
Who needs days off?
So today's been a weird day. I had a full day to myself, the first time in a while and thought it would be a great time to catch up on things I needed to do, calls I needed to make and get ahead with research and assignments. I failed on nearly all counts.
When I rang the Woolworths Safety department and told them about the invoice from the pharmacy that was supposed to be paid by workers compensation I was told it was ridiculous and they shouldn't be expected to pay it. Um, okay. As an afterthought she added, "Well you shouldn't have to pay it either" and was told to email the documents to someone else to deal with. I email her and get an automated response saying she's on annual leave to the 17th. Oh, you mean a week ago? Sigh.
Then I tried to complete the Centrelink form and realised that I didn't have the right "proof". I should have just ticked the box for it to come automatically to me after 8 weeks rather than getting it earlier. First of all the retrospective pay report doesn't have the company's name, ABN, etc on it so it can't be used as proof of earnings. And then they want Bank statements too - I only have old bank statements of my closed account as I haven't been with the NAB for a month yet. And they want all this by next week. So I tried ringing them over and over for HOURS - engaged. It finally goes through at 5.01pm for the voice to tell me everyone's gotten home. Great.
And now it's 5pm and I can't go to the shops like I wanted. I wanted to buy food seeing as Mum, who designates herself as a shopper has no food. Can't be just my imagination, right? So I go on SparkRecipes, open all the "basic" recipes I can find and must have gone through at least 20 of them to find out I don't even have half the ingredients. I tell her and she's like "what else do you want me to buy?" It's like, ANYTHING, just have the house blooming stocked. I don;t think even Jamie Oliver could cook a meal with the stuff we have. All I ever eat is soup and sandwiches because there's nothing here to eat. Its her "shopping day" tomorrow (and half the time she doesn't get around to it as her and the family just gossip and wander around the shops from 9am to 12pm) and if she doesn't bring decent stuff home I'm firing her from my shopping duties. I'm not paying her money for food if I don;t get any food out of the deal.
So pretty much the whole day was a waste of time. I didn't get in touch with Centrelink, I got an automated email saying that the lady who was supposed to clear the whole thing up was on annual leave up until over a week ago (professional, much?), I can't get my payslips sent to me, and because of this didn;t get time to buy food or do assignments I was committed to doing today.
Who needs days off when its like this.
When I rang the Woolworths Safety department and told them about the invoice from the pharmacy that was supposed to be paid by workers compensation I was told it was ridiculous and they shouldn't be expected to pay it. Um, okay. As an afterthought she added, "Well you shouldn't have to pay it either" and was told to email the documents to someone else to deal with. I email her and get an automated response saying she's on annual leave to the 17th. Oh, you mean a week ago? Sigh.
Then I tried to complete the Centrelink form and realised that I didn't have the right "proof". I should have just ticked the box for it to come automatically to me after 8 weeks rather than getting it earlier. First of all the retrospective pay report doesn't have the company's name, ABN, etc on it so it can't be used as proof of earnings. And then they want Bank statements too - I only have old bank statements of my closed account as I haven't been with the NAB for a month yet. And they want all this by next week. So I tried ringing them over and over for HOURS - engaged. It finally goes through at 5.01pm for the voice to tell me everyone's gotten home. Great.
And now it's 5pm and I can't go to the shops like I wanted. I wanted to buy food seeing as Mum, who designates herself as a shopper has no food. Can't be just my imagination, right? So I go on SparkRecipes, open all the "basic" recipes I can find and must have gone through at least 20 of them to find out I don't even have half the ingredients. I tell her and she's like "what else do you want me to buy?" It's like, ANYTHING, just have the house blooming stocked. I don;t think even Jamie Oliver could cook a meal with the stuff we have. All I ever eat is soup and sandwiches because there's nothing here to eat. Its her "shopping day" tomorrow (and half the time she doesn't get around to it as her and the family just gossip and wander around the shops from 9am to 12pm) and if she doesn't bring decent stuff home I'm firing her from my shopping duties. I'm not paying her money for food if I don;t get any food out of the deal.
So pretty much the whole day was a waste of time. I didn't get in touch with Centrelink, I got an automated email saying that the lady who was supposed to clear the whole thing up was on annual leave up until over a week ago (professional, much?), I can't get my payslips sent to me, and because of this didn;t get time to buy food or do assignments I was committed to doing today.
Who needs days off when its like this.
Energy sapped
It's strange that when I had absolutely nothing on, no study OR work AT ALL I was craving for me to get busy again. Now that my studies have started on again work wants to know me. Typical. When I was on "holidays", pre-study, I was working 4-8 hours a fortnight. I've already worked 25 hours this fortnight and still have half the week left. It's great for my money situation but odd how everything happens at once. Because I'm getting really tired.
Like today, woke up to get ready to work a mere 5 hours after I went to sleep. I know people deal with that kind of schedule all the time but it really isn't healthy. I need my sleep. After work went straight to TAFE and I was so frustrated and bored. Got home and by 5pm I went to sleep/nap. Mum's getting really annoyed that I have a sleep around dinner. What am I supposed to do? Fight drooping eyelids? Not like my plans would be important anyway (computer, TV, etc) so why not dedicate it to my health. Because that's what sleep is.
Anyway, I went to the gym later after my sleep, at about 11.30pm. I really do like having the gym to myself so I can forget about thinking about what I'm doing and just do it. Though like yesterday I did find it hard to get in the groove. Just moving and working out for over an hour and 500 calories burned is a great achievement, but I do feel lethargic. Linked to my sleep patterns? Such a hard thing to fit in gym time when you have a full plate.
Though I do have the day off tomorrow! Work better not call me lol. I'm looking forward to getting stuck into some assignments and research and having time to look after ME. I've just been eating whats "easy" - soups and sandwiches. I might even go grocery shopping and buy some supplies so I can cook something nice and healthy. Mum takes ownership of shopping but she never buys anything. Fridge is always empty and she says "well if I buy it, then you will eat it". No, duh! Half the time I barely hit 1200 calories simply because there are NO HEALTHY CHOICE to eat at all. I'd rather not starve myself, thank you. Though sometimes it's a choice between starving, or having a chunk of cheese or other foods that aren't junk bad, but you need in absolute moderation.
Anyway, off to sleep I go. Time to catch up and get a good nights sleep in. Night!
Wednesday 22 February 2012
Spanner in the works
At TAFE the first class is 2 hours and the lecturer somehow thinks its more productive to work all the way through without any break. I've never experienced anything like that. During High School you can rooms every hour, in University they had a policy of a 10 minute break after 50 minutes of class. Maybe in primary school, where you get a morning tea break and a lunch break only, but you always get time to work together in groups and have a bit of a change in atmosphere. Seriously, after about 75 minutes listening to a teacher rant on I'm not learning anything. Instead of 50+ minutes of my head on the table, zoning out, why not give us 10 minutes to refresh. I'm sure whatever the class needs to cover can do it in 110 minutes rather than 120. Ugh.
And I had 2 group meetings lined up in the 2 hour lunch break. First group decides they want to go to a burger place down the road and have lunch and skip the meeting, and the other group say "what meeting? what research?" Seriously? Pretty frustrating. We have assessments due next week and the week after and its like we haven't even started to look at anything of what to do. (Particularly as they included the induction week as "Week 1" - basically taking a week of us - who learns content when they tell us to pay for parking, where we can smoke, where to get a library card and all that bullshit?)
Anyway, we finally got going and it wasn't as bad as I thought. We've delegated tasks now so at least they can't claim they didn't know what to research. And work called me in for a shift tomorrow morning, so more money is good. Though it did throw a spanner in the works in terms of my gym scheduling.
I go to the gym between 9pm-11pm (to get there, and finish whenever) on the day where I have afternoon starts or the day off. So I'm now working at 9am and thought there's no way I could do this. But I stumbled on the solution accidentally with no thought about it. I was so exhausted that I fell asleep at 7pm and slept to 10pm. Perfect! The time I usually go to the gym and I have 3 hours sleep already up my sleep, so if I return and get 6 hours, I'll be right for work tomorrow. I've done it before, split up my sleep and as long as I get 8-9 hours overall I feel fine. Naps are great!
So I went to the gym and seeing as nobody was there I took the opportunity to do strength training with the weight machines. I hate using them when people are there because I think they'll look at me and judge me for using them when I'm obese (not "huge", but still, not a skinny lil' thang). Or if they think my speed isn't right. Or posture. Or the fact I don't do a set amount of reps, I just do it until my body tells me to stop.
So I'm doing strength training so my HR was low and I couldn't get into cardio later. I think my average HR was 99 BPM when my goal is 130-150 BPM. Based on my "usual" gym sessions and the time taken my HR watch predicted 550 calories and I only did 425 burned. I mean its better than nothing but I need my mojo back. Just remembered! I did half my "rowing machine" distance and was going to do the other half to cool down and I forgot. lol. Bad me :)
But anyway, even with the so-so day studying and my early start, getting in a gym sesh in was really important. I'm treating my workouts like a life chore - something that has to get done rather than an excuse. "Oh, can't do it today, wont get enough sleep" would have been so easy to say and avoid.
I'm really like writing everything down as well. It's a nice debrief. Getting it all out helps me not stress and think about it more. Like writing that I'm self-conscious when I'm at the gym makes me think about why. And even just admitting that I do! I don't think "people are here, don't do strength", I just don't do it. It's good to be aware of the stuff I do.
Good night everyone!
PS. Almost forgot to say I'm my BLC team's biggest loser of the week! I was so proud, couldn't believe it. Didn't think it would happen all comp, because everyone does so awesomely. Time to back it up this week and lose at least 1 kg!
And I had 2 group meetings lined up in the 2 hour lunch break. First group decides they want to go to a burger place down the road and have lunch and skip the meeting, and the other group say "what meeting? what research?" Seriously? Pretty frustrating. We have assessments due next week and the week after and its like we haven't even started to look at anything of what to do. (Particularly as they included the induction week as "Week 1" - basically taking a week of us - who learns content when they tell us to pay for parking, where we can smoke, where to get a library card and all that bullshit?)
Anyway, we finally got going and it wasn't as bad as I thought. We've delegated tasks now so at least they can't claim they didn't know what to research. And work called me in for a shift tomorrow morning, so more money is good. Though it did throw a spanner in the works in terms of my gym scheduling.
I go to the gym between 9pm-11pm (to get there, and finish whenever) on the day where I have afternoon starts or the day off. So I'm now working at 9am and thought there's no way I could do this. But I stumbled on the solution accidentally with no thought about it. I was so exhausted that I fell asleep at 7pm and slept to 10pm. Perfect! The time I usually go to the gym and I have 3 hours sleep already up my sleep, so if I return and get 6 hours, I'll be right for work tomorrow. I've done it before, split up my sleep and as long as I get 8-9 hours overall I feel fine. Naps are great!
So I went to the gym and seeing as nobody was there I took the opportunity to do strength training with the weight machines. I hate using them when people are there because I think they'll look at me and judge me for using them when I'm obese (not "huge", but still, not a skinny lil' thang). Or if they think my speed isn't right. Or posture. Or the fact I don't do a set amount of reps, I just do it until my body tells me to stop.
So I'm doing strength training so my HR was low and I couldn't get into cardio later. I think my average HR was 99 BPM when my goal is 130-150 BPM. Based on my "usual" gym sessions and the time taken my HR watch predicted 550 calories and I only did 425 burned. I mean its better than nothing but I need my mojo back. Just remembered! I did half my "rowing machine" distance and was going to do the other half to cool down and I forgot. lol. Bad me :)
But anyway, even with the so-so day studying and my early start, getting in a gym sesh in was really important. I'm treating my workouts like a life chore - something that has to get done rather than an excuse. "Oh, can't do it today, wont get enough sleep" would have been so easy to say and avoid.
I'm really like writing everything down as well. It's a nice debrief. Getting it all out helps me not stress and think about it more. Like writing that I'm self-conscious when I'm at the gym makes me think about why. And even just admitting that I do! I don't think "people are here, don't do strength", I just don't do it. It's good to be aware of the stuff I do.
Good night everyone!
PS. Almost forgot to say I'm my BLC team's biggest loser of the week! I was so proud, couldn't believe it. Didn't think it would happen all comp, because everyone does so awesomely. Time to back it up this week and lose at least 1 kg!
Monday 20 February 2012
Weigh in day..
It was weigh in day and I lost some more weight! After weighing in at 107.2 kgs last week, I've gotten down to 105.4 kgs. 1.8 kgs (4 lbs)! Pretty happy. Yesterday I was in a bit of a weird mood and disappointed with my weight loss, but I think I've got a bit more perspective today.
Even if I only lose a bit, or maintain, I'm not going to wake up tomorrow and have a flat stomach. It doesn't matter what the number says - nobody knows that number but me. What they do know is my good mood because I'm sleeping better, exercising more and eating healthier foods. And what they will recognise is my body fat melting away - but no day's work is going to matter. It's going to be my work over weeks and months.
Yesterday I was complaining that we are halfway through the BLC challenge (a Biggest Loser style challenge on SparkPeople) and I hadn't hit half my goal weight for the challenge but it doesn't matter. 6 short weeks wont matter, the rest of my life does. I'll fall down and relapse but as long as I don't give up I can't "lose" (in the win/lose type of way, not "losing weight" type of way).
Today at work was pretty brutal - worked all day and wasn't used to that. It was quite boring with not that much to do and by 5.30pm I was so ready to go home. And then I get home and there's a letter that says seeing as my employer didn't pay my workers compensation expenses I have to. 3 years after the fact! Can't believe it. Why did it take them this long to send me a bill? Tomorrow I'll ring up my old employer and find out whats going on, but I really don't want to have to fork out the money. What could they do if I just ignored it? Surely they wouldn't take me to court for $80, particularly so many years later. And the invoice doesn't even have my address on it, it has the address of the shopping center! Ridiculous.
And I've forgotten to do some TAFE (Tech school) work for tomorrow. I really don't want to have to do it later tonight. I just want to sit in front of the TV and watch Biggest Loser. What would be best is if I could find a job and be able to leave TAFE and forget about studying ever again! Ah well, one can dream.
Sunday 19 February 2012
The more things change the more things stay the same
Friday night I was so pumped, my first day back at the gym for about a week and I felt great. Yesterday work was pretty good and against my better knowledge I decided to treat myself to McDonalds. Okay, maybe, or Mum just convinced me to go and I agreed.
Didn't go too badly at first, having a McChicken burger (400 cals) and a drink (200 cals)... but then the "peer pressure" (can you call your mother a peer?) came along when it came to dessert. We'd both have a McFlurry. When I ordered we were told that Mum's flavour wasn't working (Bubblegum) so she decided to just have a soft serve cone. I should have done the same! But no, I had to have the McFlurry and complete regret it.
So I went to the gym again and I was really glad nobody was there. When I first got there the cleaners were finishing up, but from then I was alone the whole time. Good. Exactly how I like it. But I just couldn't get into it. I stayed there for 2 hours but I just couldn't get a good rhythm going and I didn't feel good. I'm glad I went, but I'm thinking the sugar earlier just zapped my energy.
Back on the scales this morning and it was exactly the same. 106.0 (kgs). Logically, I know this is good. I binged at McDonalds and I didn't put on. But after 4 hours in the gym over 2 days you want to see something. Then this voice tells me "you can't expect results overnight" but I still am disappointed. I really need to learn some perspective.
Anyway, tonight is the first football (AFL) game of the year. Even though its just the preseason game I'm pretty excited. I live and breathe footy and I'm sad when there are no games. I'm so ready to get involved again this year. Bring it on!
Didn't go too badly at first, having a McChicken burger (400 cals) and a drink (200 cals)... but then the "peer pressure" (can you call your mother a peer?) came along when it came to dessert. We'd both have a McFlurry. When I ordered we were told that Mum's flavour wasn't working (Bubblegum) so she decided to just have a soft serve cone. I should have done the same! But no, I had to have the McFlurry and complete regret it.
So I went to the gym again and I was really glad nobody was there. When I first got there the cleaners were finishing up, but from then I was alone the whole time. Good. Exactly how I like it. But I just couldn't get into it. I stayed there for 2 hours but I just couldn't get a good rhythm going and I didn't feel good. I'm glad I went, but I'm thinking the sugar earlier just zapped my energy.
Back on the scales this morning and it was exactly the same. 106.0 (kgs). Logically, I know this is good. I binged at McDonalds and I didn't put on. But after 4 hours in the gym over 2 days you want to see something. Then this voice tells me "you can't expect results overnight" but I still am disappointed. I really need to learn some perspective.
Anyway, tonight is the first football (AFL) game of the year. Even though its just the preseason game I'm pretty excited. I live and breathe footy and I'm sad when there are no games. I'm so ready to get involved again this year. Bring it on!
Welcome to my playpen
Hello all. I've decided I need a playpen to escape to, somewhere to journal and explore myself. My weight loss journey really needs me to reflect and take ownership of my thoughts.. and to admit when I mess up. To get excited and to share when I do well.
I'm not sure if anyone will find my trials and tribulations interesting, but it's nice to have an online spot. To pretend someone may be listening. Or one day they will.
Firstly I need to clear up that my name is not in fact Evelyn. It's a pseudo name I have used for years on the Internet, but the Internet, thankfully, is anonymous (most of the time). It's a shame that I will segregate my online identity from my real one, but I feel as I can be honest with a blanket of protection. Hopefully you will understand.
Anyway, it's getting late so I shall bid you farewell, but soon I shall post more!
I'm not sure if anyone will find my trials and tribulations interesting, but it's nice to have an online spot. To pretend someone may be listening. Or one day they will.
Firstly I need to clear up that my name is not in fact Evelyn. It's a pseudo name I have used for years on the Internet, but the Internet, thankfully, is anonymous (most of the time). It's a shame that I will segregate my online identity from my real one, but I feel as I can be honest with a blanket of protection. Hopefully you will understand.
Anyway, it's getting late so I shall bid you farewell, but soon I shall post more!
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