Strange week

Having a bit of a weird week. Next week I have all my assessments due which is going to be interesting. There isn't that much to finish but it's just sitting down and starting that is the hardest. Once I open the document and start to type I can get it done so quick, but usually it takes me days to do that!

But anyway, I think the reason it has been so "weird" is that transition period. I have a job offer and just waiting for the paperwork and start date. I'm just so over my "same old, same old" life that I just want to GET ON WITH IT. I've been living with my Mum since high school while I was studying and at 24 have been at "school" for a very long time. I left high school over 7 years ago so I am so ready to start.

The strange thing is I am finishing my units because of the timing. Firstly I have group work so would feel totally guilty for dropping and running a week before assessment week. Secondly, it's like I've come so far I would like to "pass" the units and just "finish" it even though there is no point to doing so. I mean, because I'm leaving partway through the course I can't get a certificate or course. In fact I will have nothing to show for the last 2 months at all because it's something I'm not intending to go back to... so I'm asking myself.. why bother? Why get your ass kicked with this work if it means nothing.. maybe that's selfish. The "what's in it for me" mentality. I have the relationships I've made and the things I have learned over the past 2 months.

Another thing with this transition period is I'm scared the rug will be pulled from underneath and someone will yell "tricked ya!". I mean the team leader rang me and said he was offering me a position and he would get HR to send an offer of employment official letter soon, then there would be a call to arrange my start date and training and all those bits and pieces but it keeps going through my mind that we aren't past the "no turning back" stage yet. They still have an "out" and while it is totally unlikely anything could happen I'm still thinking about it. What if..

So I WANT to start the ball rolling with things I need to organise.. buying stuff for living by myself, making sure my car is absolutely ready for "regional life" and supplies (I bought spare fuses and a tool to change them in today), trying to get my phone contract cancelled (I anticipate I'm going to have to fight for my life with that one - bloody Telco companies), and then other bits and pieces I'm "unsure" of.. what the job's going to be like, what kind of overtime I would be expected to pull, if I can escape to the city on weekends without being "on call" for problems that might arise during the weekend, if the rental place they assign me will be nice (I want to bring pets, have a decent Internet connection, and have decent heating/cooling). And I want to be able to find out those "little known facts" on the place. You know, the stuff that isn't in guidebooks or on "touristy" websites.

Anyway I've been raving on for a while so I guess I should calm down and just go to sleep. :) Hopefully it will all turn out okay. :)

Procrastinating.. again :)

Figures that I'm only doing this blog to procrastinate doing something else. I'm supposed to be doing my presentation which is due tomorrow that I have done hardly anything towards. I mean, it's not that much work but just been avoiding it for weeks. I carefully planned it so I would have the interactive part of the workshop, so basically Instruction > Let the group work go for 10m and rinse and repeat, but still. I've been doing everything but. Even planned my outfit!

So there is massive confusion over when IT IS, though. It was originally scheduled for Wednesday which is a public holiday so a few weeks ago the lecturer said we would do it Tuesday (tomorrow). So we email him today reminding him to have the projector for the class at 9am and he says he has another class at the time (he said a few weeks ago he would swap with another lecturer) and mentioned "are you talking about Wednesday's class?". So I email him back saying Wednesday there IS no class, do you mean tomorrow (Tuesday) afternoon instead?? And no answer. Sooo...

Yeah. Anyway, better go do it. All I have to do is prepare 5 scenarios (like a paragraph each) and prepare some information handouts. And maybe practice, though I don't think it will do much good. Anyway.

Onto the weight thing. I'm struggling to keep to my calorie range. It has dropped 200 calories and that is killing me. When I reach my mini goals the app re-calculates what my range should be based on my new weight rather than my old weight, which is now 1400 calories. I'm still a big girl (obese, not "overweight"!) so I don't understand. Like 1200 calories is supposed to be the absolute minimum for anyone!

Maybe it's too little but I'm scared to raise it in case I'm wrong and put on weight. If I put on 1-2kgs while I figure it out that would take me at least 2-3 weeks of hard slog and possibly 3-6 weeks of plateau to get that 1-2kgs off again so I'm scared to do it.

I'm also having doubts about this new job. I got a call on Friday saying where did I want to go and it sounded so sure. And she said she would call back Monday to Tuesday... now I know it's only been Monday but I can't help but feel.. well, maybe they changed their minds. Maybe they found someone better. Maybe it will fall through and I'm getting excited for nothing. Today I wrote down a "to buy" list for living on my own (you know, the stuff households share but the first time you move out you need to buy - kitchen stuff, computer stuff like a printer, scanner, home phone, etc) and like my head is in that space. You know when you imagine something in your head and then that's all you can think about and believe. Ahhh! And if they DON'T call tomorrow, Wednesday is a public holiday!

Oh well. I'm writing too much to avoid doing my work so I better log off and do it.

See ya.

Apologies and The Future

Okay, firstly I really am sorry for not updating. And I know I said that last time and promised updates but every time I thought about it I felt bad that I didn't have a meaningful thing to say for my big update and just let it go, and rinse and repeat for like a month. I know I need to do this for my own sanity mostly and I really need to stick with it.

So firstly I'll let any poor souls reading this that I've done some "back logging" of entries from my entries on Spark blogging. I was undecided for a while whether to post the pictures but decided to. I want this to be anonymous so that my real life people wont see this, but I think the chance of them stumbling here and seeing the pictures and recognising them are so minute. Lets hope it doesn't backfire.

Today I had a big day in which I got a call asking me for my job location preferences so I'm 99.9% sure I've got my first full-time job and since then I've been thinking a lot. Just the thought of moving away from home and becoming an adult for real is something I'm excited about. I thought there would be major nerves but there isn't, not really. But it did get me thinking about things and I'm sitting here thinking about the person I was when I woke up this morning to the person I am now and I think the difference is huge.

Which solidifies my resolve to blog and reflect. This is all about me reflecting in a way that is accountable. Even though the views are minuscule and I have like 1 follower exactly, even the low chance people read this makes it more real. Gives me accountability and I think I need that.

Anyway it's nearly 1.30am and I'm working tomorrow so I really should sleep but I am determined to do this reflecting business on a regular basis. Maybe I should make that an official goal.

Goal:
Blog 3 times a week

Ah, see, I wrote it down! Makes it real!

Until next time.

News on the job front

So got some more good news on the job hunt front. I got a call from DCP (Department of Child Protection) today having an interim informal discussion about the role, what positions are available in what locations and where I would prefer to go. She said she would call me Monday/Tuesday to talk about the different bits and pieces before the letter offer and to start filling out the Working With Children Check paperwork (like a police clearance but a bit more thorough). It would take a huge bolt of lightning for me to not get some kind of position with them so really happy.

Now that I'm 99% sure I've got the job and will be moving I'm starting to worry about how I will go without a gym. My gym has really been a huge motivating factor, I just don't like exercising at home or outside so that may become a huge obstacle for me. They've got a mini "fitness centre" which has like 2 treadmills, 2 elliptical, 1 bike. Not sure I want to pay $70 a month for something that I'm pretty sure will be difficult to use because there isn't much equipment there and will probably be in use when I try to go!

A bit off topic, but was too scared to ask if I will be expected to do weekend work :) Even if I do have to I'll still take the work but after working casually in retail for 7 years I would like the weekends off! And I'm a huge fan of my city's sports team and have a membership with them so would like to go home every fortnight to catch some games. It's only a 2 hour drive to the city so I would think it will be possible to go to the majority of the games. Here's to hoping. :)

I'll let you guys know how the offer goes. They implied I would go to my number 2 choice of town but still hoping my number 1 choice (only an hours drive from my current house) opens up for me. :)

Mothers are lame

I wrote this whole spiel about my mother and how she's frustrating me but I think it makes me sound like a brat, lol. Basically I have limited funds to live on while I'm studying (hopefully I will get that full-time job soon) but in the meantime the "arrangement" for shopping is not working because she doesn't buy enough food. If I try to fix it (i.e. buy my own healthy stuff) she wont pay for it but she'll still eat it/use it and I really can't afford to be buying food that someone else is going to eat.

Anyway, so as I said there is not enough food. Literally.

  

So, first row you see Pepsi and alcohol (which I don't like anyway), dog food (yum), margarine, carrots, jelly, eggs. THATS IT. Tell me what I'm supposed to do with that. She complained that I haven't cooked for her all week and I don't think she quite understood why I laughed at her. Well. Um. Yeah.

 Mothers are lame.

New clothes today = Pre-BLC Week "Before" Shot!

So I've had a bit of motivation in the last 3 weeks, as I was just 6.6 lbs away from my goal at the end of the last BLC. So been working hard and now have lost 4.4 lbs in 3 weeks. Very happy about that. Just over 2 pounds until I reach my first major milestone. It may have to wait a while as I am on gym leave for a muscle strain and TOM.

But anyway, a little while ago I splurged with some online clothes shopping (first time to ever order clothes online) and it arrived today. Seeing as it's the Pre-Week of the BLC thought I would put it on and take a pic as my official "before" pic.


 
You may see in my gallery I have a picture from September 2009 which is the last photo I'm "proud" of, and what I want to get to. That's still 18 pounds away but the shot I took today was seriously the first time since then that I've thought "what a good picture". I am so glad I bought that dress and I can't wait until all the "bumps" smooth out, hopefully during this challenge!

Anyway, some off topic news: I got an email from the government agency I want to work for which is my dream job (and in the town I want to work in). It's what I wanted to do ever since I started my degree over 4 years ago. They emailed and said that they've "recommended" me for the position and just need to wait for my referees to come back. It's looking really good, apparently it's nearly just a formality. I'm THIS close to getting the job I thought I would never get. Very very happy. Just waiting for the official "offer letter" now and I'm pretty confident I will get it.

Easter Sunday... my undoing?

So this morning is Easter Sunday... the day of chocolate giving.. sigh. Want to know the worst part? I could eat 10 and it wouldn't eclipse my calories today.

So I live alone with my mum and we decided just to get 1 Easter (chocolate) gift each. So I bought her those pack of standard size eggs in a mini carton, only 4 :) She bought me a similar carton.. but with.. TWENTY! Oh my gosh. A few days ago I made a plan of how I'm going to deal with Easter. I'm not going to throw them out (I'm not that strong yet) but decided I will allow myself 1 egg (160 calories) on each day I do a workout. My every workout has a 500 calorie goal and so for the next 20 workouts (lol) I will burn 660.

This will take 5 weeks (another lol). *Sheepish grin*

Now onto what I'm actually worried about. I think I can limit the effect the chocolate has on me but what I don't have so much control over is Easter dinner. My family is Italian and there is 3 main sized dishes and you don't get to make your own portions. And you have to eat it all otherwise there will be screaming and crying. Like, no getting out of it :(

So last night I set my workout to really late, from 1am-3am and didn't get to sleep til about 4.30am. So I woke up at 2.30pm. Now I just had an 80 calorie yoghurt and a glass of milk for "breakfast" and as this big dinner starts at 5pm so basically I can see a whole days worth of food in this one meal (or 3 meals in one).

First up is a huge plate of Lasagne. I've never weighed it (that would be lol) but I can easily see it being 600 grams (1.3 pounds).
Next is a large crumbed lamb chop and salad.
Meal number 3 is prawns (shrimp).
And finally dessert (icecream, trifle, bad stuff etc)

The good news is dessert is take what you want so I am able to skip that. Prawns is not bad, dare I say even healthy. A lot of the huge meal is going to be fats and carbs so to get a bit of protein in there is a bit of a good thing.

If things go the way I want, my "breakfast" will be 152 calories and my "dinner (3 meals in one)" will be ~1110 calories. I mean that is huge, no mistake about it, but by not eating anything else (I really don't need to lol) I think I can limit the damage. And of course tonight I will be hitting the gym and aiming for 1000 calories burned.

Anyway, sorry for the long blog post but I had to write that down for me as I'm really worried. I hit my lowest weight ever when I woke up - 101.7 kgs (224.2lbs) and I really don't want to mess it up.

Goodbye BLC 13!

So the BLC 13 has ended and I am so sad to see it go! I had so many weeks where the scale didn't move and I didn't meet my goal either. Nothing to get down about, though! So first thing I did was read my "Letter to my future self (9 Jan)". I asked myself a few questions so here are the answers.
 Did you make some new friends? Yes. But the relationships faded towards the end as everyone stopped posting :(
 Was it worth the hard work? Yes and no. I really don't think the results matched the slog I was put though.
That leads into my final question: Are you happy with the results? Yes and no.

So 8 kgs (15 lb) is a massive achievement and you would be crazy to say no. But firstly I really wanted to get out of the 100's (in kilos) and secondly I wanted to maintain 1kg (2.2lbs) loss average a week. I lost on both counts, unfortunately. After 12 weeks I wanted to lose 12 kgs (26 lbs) or get to 99.9kgs (22lbs).

 Now I want to get to the WHY: I mistakenly was doing weights/resistance that were too low (about half of what I should have been doing) For about 3 weeks I completely lost my motivation and either maintained or gained weight because of both no gym and eating too much The quality of my food was poor at times So now to turn it into a positive.

The BLC 14 starts later this month which I have signed up for. BEFORE the challenge I will:
 - Do my proper weights regime (i.e. 75% of my maximum capacity at each machine)
 - Cut out a lot of bad carbs and try to incorporate good carbs. I want to half the bread I eat and eliminate "takeaway" foods.
 - Easter is coming and I am getting chocolate. I am not going to eat any of it except on a workout day. And on a workout day I am limiting to 1 egg. If you want chocolate, you have to put the time in!
 - Eat 1 more vegetable a day than you normally would

 I'm hoping by Week 1 of the new challenge I will have met my goal. I'm really gonna kick ass this time! Particularly with running, I've tried running twice now and it got me insanely sweaty and pumped.

 And to reflect, here is the old me and the new me:

Back again

So yesterday was my day back blogging in a while and I'm determined to get in a rhythm of regular updates, so I’m back!

So today was another gym day. Yesterday I went as well and did my cardio and strength training. And today, for the first time ever, I was sore from strength training. When I get sore it’s usually from cardio, sore legs from running or cycling too much. I was a it disappointed I had to rest and give up today’s strength circuit I had planned but I did LOTS of cardio. In fact I matched my best session ever. 2.5 hours and 1200 calories!

And what I am pleased about is my calorie rate has improved from the last few weeks. Usually I sit about 6 calories per minute but today it worked out to be 8. I think it’s from the 40 minute treadmill section. I had it pretty steep and was about +20 beats per minute higher than when I bike steadily. And it was a lot less of a strain too, seeing as I have to bike with high resistance to get my heart rate up at all. But I still spent a lot of time on the bike.

I did 20 kilometres! I’ve never looked at the distance screen, just the rotations per minute and my BPM so I was quite surprised. I managed it at 13.3 km per hour, which I found out from a trusty iPhone app. I think I’ll use it every session to map my progress. I think if I have something to beat it will motivate me to improve.

Anyway, I’m pretty motivated at the moment. I’m 100 grams off my lightest since early 2010. It’s a bit of a mini goal even though my main goal is to get under 100kgs. But the fact that the scale is moving downwards has me in a really motivated mood. I’ve been hovering on 105kgs for a few weeks. I’m confident by tomorrow I’ll have at least lost my 100g (from what I weighed in this morning, not now).

Anyway I think I better get my eggs off the stove so I don’t burn the kitchen down like last time. Adios!

I'm back!

So sorry that I havent written. For days and days I've been thinking about writing but avoiding it because I though "I don't have anything meaningful to write". Well I decided that doesn't matter! Otherwise I may never write.

So what's happened? Well I've had a plateu and then my weight loss has picked up. I weighed in at 104.5kgs at about 11pm tonight and I usually vary about 1kg at night from morning when I do all my weigh ins. I was very happy. It even motivated me to go to the gym and had a good session there. I've loaded all my footy panel shows on my phone and so will watch them in the gym. Have also been re-reading the Hunger Games series, wich has been fun. I'm now enjoying doing weights now. I used to love cardio and just tolerate the weights but I really do like it now.

TAFE has been going okay too. Frustrating at times in the group and I haven't had motivation to do work early. They don't really have a lot of work involved and hefty deadlines like Uni. It's a bit cruisy, but still, all my assesments so far I have passed. The group work can be random though. Today my members had a massive fight and one stormed off, so the other left to go home and then the first one to storm off came back and wanted to know where the other was. Sigh.

Anyway, that drama totally exhausted me and then as I was leaving I looked at my phone and saw the weird call button on it. I didn't know if I had tapped to call someone or what as if I got a call I would have thought I would hear it. So I answered it and it was DCP! They want to interview me for the country position. I forgot to ask which job it was as I applied for a few. Anyway, it's next Monday at 10. She said it may last until 11.15 and so I reorganised work to delay til 12. But I'm a bit worried I wont be able to get from the city to my work in time. It's at least a 30m drive. Hopefully I wont be late. :(

Though if the interview gets me a job, it wont matter, I spose! Though it is a wonder if I can finish my units for the semester before I take the job. Would hate to lose my 6 weeks of work. Though it's a 12 week course, the interview will be Week 7, they took 3 weeks to let me know last time. So that puts me in Week 10 I would get to know. And if I have to move to the country I'm sure they would give me 2 weeks leeway. Hopefully :)

Anyway that's about it for now. I'm hoping I'll get the job! And I'm re-energised by my weight loss number. :)

Good night!

Craaazy day

Oh, I nearly forgot to blog today. It's been crazy lately, after Lana (my lamb) dying last night everything seems to be happening at once. This weekend I'm going down to see my Grandmother who is very sick. Dad says she hardly opens her eyes anymore and isn't alert to whats going on around her. It's so sad. Sometimes I think medicine has gotten to the point where people are living too long, beyond what the human body is capable of. I've also had lots of little things to do for TAFE, like analysing our questionnaires and also doing policy research. I wasn't able to research, so simply did some reading and printed out stuff I thought was important to talk to my group about. We still have ours Needs Assessment to do by Friday and haven't started the document. And as I know, group work takes a while to put things together.

On the weight loss front things are pretty stagnant. I weighed in at 105.4kgs at last weigh in and got to 105kgs earlier in the week before TOM hit. Now I'm ranging between 106-106.5kgs. I'm not sure if its the last remnants of my TOM bloating that will clear up soon or if in fact my eating hasn't been as strict as I've needed. That wouldn't surprise me, had a huge meal on Saturday for Mum's birthday, big sugary slice and smoothie for lunch yesterday and had Subway today and have been snacking during the week. I certainly haven't been doing too badly, most days I've kept in my range its just a matter of the quality of foods. I need to go to the gym more, even if I have an early start the next day. As long as its not too late, I could do it in the 7.30pm-9pm range.

Work was simply exhausting. Maybe its because the place was dead, but I really hated it today. And when I got home my feet felt like collapsing. Dad came over to change my break pads and I had to hold things for him for the brake fluid to go into etc, crouching down and it really hurt. I wish I would lose this weight so my poor knees and ankles weren't under so much pressure.

Anyway I got to get to sleep. Not long before I have to wake up for my early class and I'm sure I'll be in a horrible mood for lack of sleep. I'm already making excuses about skipping it. :)

The lamb

I've never had an experience where I've had to watch an animal die a slow death. We've had a lot of animals, and nearly as many deaths but all but 2 we found.. just gone. One was Basil, my cat, who we put down because he was very ill and in pain. The second was our first dog Keema who I didn't see as sick because my parents were there when he had to be taken to the vet. About 2 or 3 weeks ago our sheep Blair died. She went "missing" - we couldn't find her because she'd escaped and later found her just on the other side of the fence - she had died. It was very upsetting and I did cry. The first time I've cried because of losing a sheep. It was so sad because she had a 3-4 month old lamb. Her name is Lana.

Lana has been looking worse for wear as the time has gone on. She got all sores on her ears, mouth and face and patches of her body where the fur was all gone and you could see what looked like big "scabs". Under her neck the fur had all disappeared and that was exactly like what happened to Blair. This morning she had her head stuck in a fence and was just sitting there. So as I approached I thought she would bolt or at least struggle but she was extremely subdued. Once I got her head out the fence she didn't get up and move away. So I nudged her a bit but she still just laid there. Then I realised how close to the end we were. So I picked her up and put her on her feet. She wobbled away which looked horrible enough, like someone who has lost their footing or is going down a hill and has lost control of their speed. And then she was going literally sideways. If you've seen much of a sheep you would know that is NOT how they move. It was heartbreaking to see it. Where she fell she stayed. It was in the sun so I picked her up and put her in the shade.

Her head leaned back on the fence at an odd angle. I tried to get her to move in a more comfy position, but her head just lolled there. At this time I definitely knew it was a matter of time. Mum and I had organised to go grocery shopping today so after trying to get water into her we went and didn't expect her to live by the time we got back.

When we got back she was still laying down but instead of her head back it was up and looking around. That put a smile to my face. She had moved from where we put her. So I went over to the bowl I had put her water in and it was all gone! I went over to her and she was eating grass. I thought maybe she was getting better! It was kind of silly after everything I had seen, and obviously she was diseased and dying of the same disease her mother died of but I was happy for a while. But I went back out a few hours later and she was laying down on her side head on the ground.

I thought she was dead but when I got closer saw she was still breathing, very very weakly. I sat with her a while and patted her. She seemed to like to have someone with her. I had to get dinner ready so I went inside. It was dark soon after so I haven't been out since.

It's been really had during the day to see an animal dying slowly. I usually find animals that have died the next day who perished quickly or peacefully in their sleep. She is going slowly but not really painfully - she hasn't bleated once. Like when an animal has accepted its the end and just waiting for it but it is really sad. I'm crying again and can hardly see the keyboard. It's hard to think about what's out there right now. Has she died or is she still laying there, waiting for the end? Does she wish we would just end it for her? Am I heartless for not being with her as she suffers?

Lana

4 November 2011 - 26 February 2012

R.I.P

Yay for motivation

So I totally kicked ass today!

Not really. Actually I'm not sure if I did more harm than good. For Mum's birthday today we went to dinner and ate way too much. We started off with garlic bread - that yummy fancy restaurant kind - total mistake. Not that it didn't taste good or the calories were off the charts (maybe a little) but we couldn't really fit the main meal in which was a shame!

So I had battered squid rings and steamed vegetables. Well, at least I chose veggies instead of chips as the side. The veggies tasted pretty nice and I loved the sauce. But I'm sure the sauce was very fattening. And the squid rings had batter on them, so that's a big no-no. Then I had a pineapple juice vodka and a fruit tingle which tasted awful. Too much lemonade. Mum hates things going to waste so she drank it in one go and her face was priceless! :)

So the reason I kicked butt was that today as my gym day and it has been the only day since I joined where I was dragging ass about going. I really really did not want to go. I was tired and just wanted to sleep. I even Googled "working out while sleepy" to give me a way out - (because the Interwebs said so!) and only got bodybuilder forums lol. Anyway was pretty proud that I got off my ass and did it. I posted on SparkPeople earlier that I was going to stay there for as long as it took to get 700 calories and that was a good move because I wanted to quit at 350. But I kept at it, just because I committed to it online. Not that anyone would know, but it just shows this online communication thing works as good motivation. I was a bit sluggish as I've mentioned the last few days but the important thing is that I stuck with it and did it.

I had an out-loud argument with myself on the way home. After workouts I am so famished I have to have something and usually I have 2-3 eggs. I was reasoning with myself that I was so bad nutrition wise today I don't need that 170 calories. But its good, it has some nice protein and I was way under for the day. Eggs are my post-workout food! They are actually cooking right now and I have to get them off the stove so... see ya!

It's that time..

So my question today was what do I omit. It's a public blog, but sure, I'm more treating it like a journal, all warts and all. And I think I want to keep it that way. I want to be honest about what my thoughts are everyday, and unfortunately the "embarrassing" stuff is included. Not really embarrassing, but a socially shunned topic. Women just don't public talk about that time. You know what I'm talking about, right?

So I wake up and hit the scale. 105 kgs! Woo. So this is my lightest in about a year. I ballooned out to 112 start of November after being 104.2 in April last year. So close to being back there. It is a bit frustrating to think that I'm back where I started and I lost a year of work because of my laziness but I am determined to keep going and never quit. I have the right balance this time, the tools, the motivation.

And then TOM hit (without "supplies"! Ugh!) in the middle of the day. Fortunately I had some painkillers in the car so I wasn't in TOO much distress but my first day is always hell. I have the WORST time of it. Usually I go to sleep, wake up in a little bit off pain, take a tablet and go to sleep and by morning its not too bad and then I keep shooting down the tablets for about 24 hours then I'm fine. But it came from nowhere and hit me hard. I was in such pain, in such a bad mood, and couldn't stand studying or doing group work. My group actually noticed from the morning to the afternoon that my tolerance went from great to zip (they thought it was just usual sickness like a cold, though).

Even by night-time I was feeling so bad. After playing LOTRO with my friends which we do every Friday I knew it was my designated "gym time" but I just did not want to go. The only thing that convinced me was that they say exercise endorphins are a painkiller. And I knew I would feel better afterwards. So I went to the gym with my trusty iPhone, with 3 episodes to watch (Survivor, Grey's Anatomy and Person of Interest) and stuck into it for 2.5 hours. Only done that once before and I burned WAY more calories last time. Like I've said this week, I feel pretty lethargic at the gym. I mean it's better than not going at all. 950 calories burned is great for my health and a great achievement, but I need to figure out which buttons to press so I can achieve my best. I used to push ~9 calories a minute when I first went to the gym and now its about ~6. So that's 3 calories, so what, you say? Well, 180 an hour and 450 calories over my whole workout which is pretty massive. I need to push harder.

And while I did feel better during and straight after my workout, soon after I've gotten home its all gone. I don't feel worse than earlier today but still feel pretty lousy. Usually my first TOM day is hell and then when I wake up the next day I'm fine. I really hope that's the case. And I know not to get too emotionally charged by what the scale will say tomorrow as I will be bloated and also retain fluids but I know I will. After a massive morning in which I realised I have lost 5 kgs in 6 weeks I was really happy. I imagine its going to be 1.5kgs up from there and that's disheartening. Though sometimes when I come off TOM I drop something massive like 2 kgs (plus all my TOM weight). Lets hope for that.

Who needs days off?

So today's been a weird day. I had a full day to myself, the first time in a while and thought it would be a great time to catch up on things I needed to do, calls I needed to make and get ahead with research and assignments. I failed on nearly all counts.

When I rang the Woolworths Safety department and told them about the invoice from the pharmacy that was supposed to be paid by workers compensation I was told it was ridiculous and they shouldn't be expected to pay it. Um, okay. As an afterthought she added, "Well you shouldn't have to pay it either" and was told to email the documents to someone else to deal with. I email her and get an automated response saying she's on annual leave to the 17th. Oh, you mean a week ago? Sigh.

Then I tried to complete the Centrelink form and realised that I didn't have the right "proof". I should have just ticked the box for it to come automatically to me after 8 weeks rather than getting it earlier. First of all the retrospective pay report doesn't have the company's name, ABN, etc on it so it can't be used as proof of earnings. And then they want Bank statements too - I only have old bank statements of my closed account as I haven't been with the NAB for a month yet. And they want all this by next week. So I tried ringing them over and over for HOURS - engaged. It finally goes through at 5.01pm for the voice to tell me everyone's gotten home. Great.

And now it's 5pm and I can't go to the shops like I wanted. I wanted to buy food seeing as Mum, who designates herself as a shopper has no food. Can't be just my imagination, right? So I go on SparkRecipes, open all the "basic" recipes I can find and must have gone through at least 20 of them to find out I don't even have half the ingredients. I tell her and she's like "what else do you want me to buy?" It's like, ANYTHING, just have the house blooming stocked. I don;t think even Jamie Oliver could cook a meal with the stuff we have. All I ever eat is soup and sandwiches because there's nothing here to eat. Its her "shopping day" tomorrow (and half the time she doesn't get around to it as her and the family just gossip and wander around the shops from 9am to 12pm) and if she doesn't bring decent stuff home I'm firing her from my shopping duties. I'm not paying her money for food if I don;t get any food out of the deal.

So pretty much the whole day was a waste of time. I didn't get in touch with Centrelink, I got an automated email saying that the lady who was supposed to clear the whole thing up was on annual leave up until over a week ago (professional, much?), I can't get my payslips sent to me, and because of this didn;t get time to buy food or do assignments I was committed to doing today.

Who needs days off when its like this.

Energy sapped

It's strange that when I had absolutely nothing on, no study OR work AT ALL I was craving for me to get busy again. Now that my studies have started on again work wants to know me. Typical. When I was on "holidays", pre-study, I was working 4-8 hours a fortnight. I've already worked 25 hours this fortnight and still have half the week left. It's great for my money situation but odd how everything happens at once. Because I'm getting really tired.

Like today, woke up to get ready to work a mere 5 hours after I went to sleep. I know people deal with that kind of schedule all the time but it really isn't healthy. I need my sleep. After work went straight to TAFE and I was so frustrated and bored. Got home and by 5pm I went to sleep/nap. Mum's getting really annoyed that I have a sleep around dinner. What am I supposed to do? Fight drooping eyelids? Not like my plans would be important anyway (computer, TV, etc) so why not dedicate it to my health. Because that's what sleep is.

Anyway, I went to the gym later after my sleep, at about 11.30pm. I really do like having the gym to myself so I can forget about thinking about what I'm doing and just do it. Though like yesterday I did find it hard to get in the groove. Just moving and working out for over an hour and 500 calories burned is a great achievement, but I do feel lethargic. Linked to my sleep patterns? Such a hard thing to fit in gym time when you have a full plate.

Though I do have the day off tomorrow! Work better not call me lol. I'm looking forward to getting stuck into some assignments and research and having time to look after ME. I've just been eating whats "easy" - soups and sandwiches. I might even go grocery shopping and buy some supplies so I can cook something nice and healthy. Mum takes ownership of shopping but she never buys anything. Fridge is always empty and she says "well if I buy it, then you will eat it". No, duh! Half the time I barely hit 1200 calories simply because there are NO HEALTHY CHOICE to eat at all. I'd rather not starve myself, thank you. Though sometimes it's a choice between starving, or having a chunk of cheese or other foods that aren't junk bad, but you need in absolute moderation.

Anyway, off to sleep I go. Time to catch up and get a good nights sleep in. Night!

Spanner in the works

At TAFE the first class is 2 hours and the lecturer somehow thinks its more productive to work all the way through without any break. I've never experienced anything like that. During High School you can rooms every hour, in University they had a policy of a 10 minute break after 50 minutes of class. Maybe in primary school, where you get a morning tea break and a lunch break only, but you always get time to work together in groups and have a bit of a change in atmosphere. Seriously, after about 75 minutes listening to a teacher rant on I'm not learning anything. Instead of 50+ minutes of my head on the table, zoning out, why not give us 10 minutes to refresh. I'm sure whatever the class needs to cover can do it in 110 minutes rather than 120. Ugh.

And I had 2 group meetings lined up in the 2 hour lunch break. First group decides they want to go to a burger place down the road and have lunch and skip the meeting, and the other group say "what meeting? what research?" Seriously? Pretty frustrating. We have assessments due next week and the week after and its like we haven't even started to look at anything of what to do. (Particularly as they included the induction week as "Week 1" - basically taking a week of us - who learns content when they tell us to pay for parking, where we can smoke, where to get a library card and all that bullshit?)

Anyway, we finally got going and it wasn't as bad as I thought. We've delegated tasks now so at least they can't claim they didn't know what to research. And work called me in for a shift tomorrow morning, so more money is good. Though it did throw a spanner in the works in terms of my gym scheduling.

I go to the gym between 9pm-11pm (to get there, and finish whenever) on the day where I have afternoon starts or the day off. So I'm now working at 9am and thought there's no way I could do this. But I stumbled on the solution accidentally with no thought about it. I was so exhausted that I fell asleep at 7pm and slept to 10pm. Perfect! The time I usually go to the gym and I have 3 hours sleep already up my sleep, so if I return and get 6 hours, I'll be right for work tomorrow. I've done it before, split up my sleep and as long as I get 8-9 hours overall I feel fine. Naps are great!

So I went to the gym and seeing as nobody was there I took the opportunity to do strength training with the weight machines. I hate using them when people are there because I think they'll look at me and judge me for using them when I'm obese (not "huge", but still, not a skinny lil' thang). Or if they think my speed isn't right. Or posture. Or the fact I don't do a set amount of reps, I just do it until my body tells me to stop.

So I'm doing strength training so my HR was low and I couldn't get into cardio later. I think my average HR was 99 BPM when my goal is 130-150 BPM. Based on my "usual" gym sessions and the time taken my HR watch predicted 550 calories and I only did 425 burned. I mean its better than nothing but I need my mojo back. Just remembered! I did half my "rowing machine" distance and was going to do the other half to cool down and I forgot. lol. Bad me :)

But anyway, even with the so-so day studying and my early start, getting in a gym sesh in was really important. I'm treating my workouts like a life chore - something that has to get done rather than an excuse. "Oh, can't do it today, wont get enough sleep" would have been so easy to say and avoid.

I'm really like writing everything down as well. It's a nice debrief. Getting it all out helps me not stress and think about it more. Like writing that I'm self-conscious when I'm at the gym makes me think about why. And even just admitting that I do! I don't think "people are here, don't do strength", I just don't do it. It's good to be aware of the stuff I do.

Good night everyone!

PS. Almost forgot to say I'm my BLC team's biggest loser of the week! I was so proud, couldn't believe it. Didn't think it would happen all comp, because everyone does so awesomely. Time to back it up this week and lose at least 1 kg!

Weigh in day..

It was weigh in day and I lost some more weight! After weighing in at 107.2 kgs last week, I've gotten down to 105.4 kgs. 1.8 kgs (4 lbs)! Pretty happy. Yesterday I was in a bit of a weird mood and disappointed with my weight loss, but I think I've got a bit more perspective today.

Even if I only lose a bit, or maintain, I'm not going to wake up tomorrow and have a flat stomach. It doesn't matter what the number says - nobody knows that number but me. What they do know is my good mood because I'm sleeping better, exercising more and eating healthier foods. And what they will recognise is my body fat melting away - but no day's work is going to matter. It's going to be my work over weeks and months.

Yesterday I was complaining that we are halfway through the BLC challenge (a Biggest Loser style challenge on SparkPeople) and I hadn't hit half my goal weight for the challenge but it doesn't matter. 6 short weeks wont matter, the rest of my life does. I'll fall down and relapse but as long as I don't give up I can't "lose" (in the win/lose type of way, not "losing weight" type of way).

Today at work was pretty brutal - worked all day and wasn't used to that. It was quite boring with not that much to do and by 5.30pm I was so ready to go home. And then I get home and there's a letter that says seeing as my employer didn't pay my workers compensation expenses I have to. 3 years after the fact! Can't believe it. Why did it take them this long to send me a bill? Tomorrow I'll ring up my old employer and find out whats going on, but I really don't want to have to fork out the money. What could they do if I just ignored it? Surely they wouldn't take me to court for $80, particularly so many years later. And the invoice doesn't even have my address on it, it has the address of the shopping center! Ridiculous.

And I've forgotten to do some TAFE (Tech school)  work for tomorrow. I really don't want to have to do it later tonight. I just want to sit in front of the TV and watch Biggest Loser. What would be best is if I could find a job and be able to leave TAFE and forget about studying ever again! Ah well, one can dream.

The more things change the more things stay the same

Friday night I was so pumped, my first day back at the gym for about a week and I felt great. Yesterday work was pretty good and against my better knowledge I decided to treat myself to McDonalds. Okay, maybe, or Mum just convinced me to go and I agreed.

Didn't go too badly at first, having a McChicken burger (400 cals) and a drink (200 cals)... but then the "peer pressure" (can you call your mother a peer?) came along when it came to dessert. We'd both have a McFlurry. When I ordered we were told that Mum's flavour wasn't working (Bubblegum) so she decided to just have a soft serve cone. I should have done the same! But no, I had to have the McFlurry and complete regret it.

So I went to the gym again and I was really glad nobody was there. When I first got there the cleaners were finishing up, but from then I was alone the whole time. Good. Exactly how I like it. But I just couldn't get into it. I stayed there for 2 hours but I just couldn't get a good rhythm going and I didn't feel good. I'm glad I went, but I'm thinking the sugar earlier just zapped my energy.

Back on the scales this morning and it was exactly the same. 106.0 (kgs). Logically, I know this is good. I binged at McDonalds and I didn't put on. But after 4 hours in the gym over 2 days you want to see something. Then this voice tells me "you can't expect results overnight" but I still am disappointed. I really need to learn some perspective.

Anyway, tonight is the first football (AFL) game of the year. Even though its just the preseason game I'm pretty excited. I live and breathe footy and I'm sad when there are no games. I'm so ready to get involved again this year. Bring it on!

Welcome to my playpen

Hello all. I've decided I need a playpen to escape to, somewhere to journal and explore myself. My weight loss journey really needs me to reflect and take ownership of my thoughts.. and to admit when I mess up. To get excited and to share when I do well.

I'm not sure if anyone will find my trials and tribulations interesting, but it's nice to have an online spot. To pretend someone may be listening. Or one day they will.

Firstly I need to clear up that my name is not in fact Evelyn. It's a pseudo name I have used for years on the Internet, but the Internet, thankfully, is anonymous (most of the time). It's a shame that I will segregate my online identity from my real one, but I feel as I can be honest with a blanket of protection. Hopefully you will understand.

Anyway, it's getting late so I shall bid you farewell, but soon I shall post more!