The lamb

I've never had an experience where I've had to watch an animal die a slow death. We've had a lot of animals, and nearly as many deaths but all but 2 we found.. just gone. One was Basil, my cat, who we put down because he was very ill and in pain. The second was our first dog Keema who I didn't see as sick because my parents were there when he had to be taken to the vet. About 2 or 3 weeks ago our sheep Blair died. She went "missing" - we couldn't find her because she'd escaped and later found her just on the other side of the fence - she had died. It was very upsetting and I did cry. The first time I've cried because of losing a sheep. It was so sad because she had a 3-4 month old lamb. Her name is Lana.

Lana has been looking worse for wear as the time has gone on. She got all sores on her ears, mouth and face and patches of her body where the fur was all gone and you could see what looked like big "scabs". Under her neck the fur had all disappeared and that was exactly like what happened to Blair. This morning she had her head stuck in a fence and was just sitting there. So as I approached I thought she would bolt or at least struggle but she was extremely subdued. Once I got her head out the fence she didn't get up and move away. So I nudged her a bit but she still just laid there. Then I realised how close to the end we were. So I picked her up and put her on her feet. She wobbled away which looked horrible enough, like someone who has lost their footing or is going down a hill and has lost control of their speed. And then she was going literally sideways. If you've seen much of a sheep you would know that is NOT how they move. It was heartbreaking to see it. Where she fell she stayed. It was in the sun so I picked her up and put her in the shade.

Her head leaned back on the fence at an odd angle. I tried to get her to move in a more comfy position, but her head just lolled there. At this time I definitely knew it was a matter of time. Mum and I had organised to go grocery shopping today so after trying to get water into her we went and didn't expect her to live by the time we got back.

When we got back she was still laying down but instead of her head back it was up and looking around. That put a smile to my face. She had moved from where we put her. So I went over to the bowl I had put her water in and it was all gone! I went over to her and she was eating grass. I thought maybe she was getting better! It was kind of silly after everything I had seen, and obviously she was diseased and dying of the same disease her mother died of but I was happy for a while. But I went back out a few hours later and she was laying down on her side head on the ground.

I thought she was dead but when I got closer saw she was still breathing, very very weakly. I sat with her a while and patted her. She seemed to like to have someone with her. I had to get dinner ready so I went inside. It was dark soon after so I haven't been out since.

It's been really had during the day to see an animal dying slowly. I usually find animals that have died the next day who perished quickly or peacefully in their sleep. She is going slowly but not really painfully - she hasn't bleated once. Like when an animal has accepted its the end and just waiting for it but it is really sad. I'm crying again and can hardly see the keyboard. It's hard to think about what's out there right now. Has she died or is she still laying there, waiting for the end? Does she wish we would just end it for her? Am I heartless for not being with her as she suffers?

Lana

4 November 2011 - 26 February 2012

R.I.P